When My Heart is Overwhelmed

Today was a very FULL day for me emotionally.  Has your heart ever been so full of so many things that you can't begin to even express it....today is one of those days, so if this blog post seems a bit jumbled you will know why.

First thing it hit me that today would of been mom and dads 35th wedding anniversary.  Daddy was always up to something and he usually pulled me into helping him plan something.  Last year he was in Charleston starting radiation/chemo and they came home on their anniversary weekend so daddy called me and had me get 34 roses and have them on their dining room table when they came in.  Lots more sweet memories I could share.  I do know that I am thankful that God gave me parents that showed me what it looked like to be married through the thick and thin of life.  I see now days that our culture preaches such a different message.  Marriage is work, but when you work at it, it is a very rewarding thing!
We went to church today to our next to last service at Grace Church.  Let me just say that when we first walked in the doors of Grace Church approximately 11 months ago I had no clue what God would have for us in this past (almost) year.  When we stepped away from our position at our former church in complete faith that God was moving us to something different I could not even begin to tell you how scary, yet empowering it was to know we were following God completely!  God has taught us so many things through that process and I am thankful everyday that even though some may never understand it, it is the best feeling to know we are in God's perfect will!  I have grown so much being under the teaching ministry of Grace.  The application to my life personally has challenged me, stretched me and grown me in ways that I could of never thought possible!  I saw church in a different light and my life will be forever changed because of it.  For once in my life I don't feel pressured to meet someones standard of acceptance, but I am accepted through my faith in the gospel.  I don't think the gospel has ever been so true to me in every aspect of my life.  I really don't think I have ever come to such reality of how truly broken I am on a daily basis.  I mean we all try to talk ourselves into how good we really are (we don't do this or we do do that) right?  But seeing things in a different light made me realize that we are all so broken and in need of the gospel not just once when we get saved but everyday that we breathe!  There are so many people at Grace Church that welcomed us with loving arms and showed us what practical Christian love and generosity looked like.  They have blessed us beyond words.
We had our "going away party" with our small group tonight.  When we signed up to join a community group (Grace's technical term) I wasn't really sure what exactly a small group was, but had heard different things.  We walked into a group of 13 other people who accepted us with open arms and loved on us at a time when life was a bit difficult.  They gave us meals, watched our kids, sent us out on a date night, more meals, more childcare, but best of all encouraged us and cried with us and weren't afraid to meet us where we were.  I will forever be changed by their example.  When we were first accepted to Harvest Training Center I didn't really think it would be this hard to walk away from our church we have proudly called home...today was a bit emotional for me.
Finally, I am feeling a bit anxious about what it will be like to walk away from what has been our "routine" for the past 11 months to some unknown waters and territory.  We are so excited about where God is placing us and how He is going to use us.  If I could explain all He has done over the past few months to confirm in our hearts that we are exactly where He wants us it would blow your mind!

"From the end of the earth will I cry unto you, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I."  Psalms 61:2

15 days....

My kids ask us just about everyday, "how many more days until we leave for Chicago?"  So, we made a countdown on our calendar in attempts to keep the nagging at a low.  I am reminded how soon we will be leaving South Carolina for the north!  I know we will only be gone for 5 months, but I also know that things won't be the same when we return!
We took a trip to the cemetery yesterday evening.  The kids have been asking pretty often about going to see papa.  Their different responses were pretty interesting.  Ashlyn (4) immediately asked if we could dig him up.  Madelyn (3) kept saying, "Papa is in heaven." Bryson (8) was fairly quiet about the whole thing.  Landon (6) who seems to be the most outward with his grief spent a lot of time just standing there at his grave.  He picked up a rock and drew a cross in the dirt and wrote "Love Papa."  He hugged me for a long time and kept saying, "I miss Papa and love him so much!"  He said can we get some food and sit right here and have a picnic.  I reminded Landon that Papa's body was buried here, but he was really in heaven and that if we trust Christ we can see him again one day.  I pray that God will continue to work in his young heart.  I have to say the last few weeks have been hard at times.  There are times I want to talk to daddy so bad or just see his smile or touch his hand, but I know that won't happen and some days that is so hard to swallow.
Our days are pretty much filled with last minute doctor and dentist check ups for the kiddos, laundry, packing, trashing, sorting, meeting up with friends, etc.  I have to admit that the closer it gets the more anxious I become about this new step.  I do know however and have the confidence that God is right here with me and knows exactly where I am going.  Church planting is no easy task!  Details seem to cloud my mind and then I become scared, anxious and fretful about how it will all come together....when will I learn?  I just need to rest in God's plan and know that He has everything under control!  I look over the last year and can see His hand so evident in our lives!  This also brings great comfort and peace to me.

Thought I would finish out the story of the van.  To make a long story short, really short, someone called Sam last week and through a series of events gave us $1000 more dollars to fix our van.  So, we now have our van in the shop with $2000 to work with and should have a newly fixed van any day now!  It is funny how when you think God is going to work something out a certain way, He always has a bigger plan and what He gets glory through.  I am amazed at how He has worked out so many details for our upcoming move and adventure in faith!  There are still a thousand and one other things that need to come together, but I have confidence that in HIS timing and HIS way they will all be worked out by September 2nd....that is the official move date.
I have seriously considered throwing away all the kids clothes and starting over....but, I know that would be foolish, but it is VERY tempting, let me tell you.  When I started having kids, I didn't realize the amount of clothes and socks they produced.  : )

So I am running out of titles for my posts, so today's does not have a title...maybe just a few random thoughts and update on what is new.  First, our van is still not fixed.  When we put it in the shop we just knew that God was going to work it out to cost $1000 or less that was promised to us, but God had other plans.  The quote we got was closer to $2000, so we thought about trading it in for something newer, God has since closed those doors and we have peace about getting things on the van fixed that will make it reliable for our upcoming move.  We do have the $1000 to work with so between Sam being able to fix a couple things hopefully it won't cost much more than that.  I know God has a plan so we are still trusting that He will provide exactly what we need in His time.
I still have not really started packing, not really because I don't need to be, but because I am such a procrastinator at times....I work well under pressure!  Seriously, I need to get busy, because going through clothes and shoes for 5 kids is not an easy task, and I guess that is why I haven't started yet.
Sam and I are both staying busy working as much as possible to save for our move.  Sam has had some recent conversations with several people about our future plans and that is very exciting!  I know God is going to do great and mighty things and I am so excited that I get to be just a small part of that.
I am excited that my mom is going to travel to Chicago with us when we move and help out with the kids.  Sam will be driving the small moving truck so she will help me drive the van, then fly home.

Blessings!

When we started this journey a few months ago I would have to say it was a giant leap of faith!  As I look back over the past 10 months, first I am amazed it has been that long already.  Second, I am amazed at how much God has taught me through all of this....I wouldn't change that part for anything!!!!
When Sam sent his application in to Harvest, honestly I never thought in a million years we would be going.  It is a very rigorous process and I just wasn't sure that we were "good enough" for what they wanted.  I then realized that taking away all of the human aspects of things there is a God who has a much bigger plan for us than I could ever dream!
Since we submitted to this new phase of calling in our lives I can't begin to explain how everything is falling together.  It was such an overwhelming feeling once we knew it was a go.  Moving....for only 5 months....12 hours away....to the cold north!  Our first prayer was to work something out with our van.  Our van is 12 years old with about 130,000 miles on it.  It doesn't have a lot of miles, but has several issues that we live with, but weren't comfortable driving it that far and knowing it would be reliable.  I got a phone call from a friend last week and we were "catching up" and she then asked me about our van.  I told her we were still praying about either trading it in or getting it fixed.  She said, "that's why I called.....we want our mechanic to look at it."  Long story short, they will pay up to $1000 to get whatever needs to be fixed.  So, our van goes to the shop today--please pray with us that it will be no more than $1000.
Then, someone called me Friday and asked if we would be stopping on our way to Chicago.  They offered to book a hotel for us in Kentucky with points her husband had earned from traveling.  Once again, God has provided without people really knowing our specific needs.  There are a few other small blessings....hand me downs that are the exact fit and in perfect shape, great deals on some homeschool books.
I just want to remind you that there were days in the last 10 months that I was not really sure about what the future held.  I just knew that God was in control and that HE was able to work things out for HIS good.  There were days that I just couldn't see how we would work things out....but now I look back and see how God was working through it all.  I am just so overjoyed in my heart and excited to see what God does.

Playing Catch Up

I really feel like the last month has been a complete whirlwind.  I am still trying to figure out where all the days went.  Daddy went to the hospice house on Wednesday, June 22nd.  I seriously think that was one of the hardest days for me personally.  The Saturday before that daddy wrote mom a note and said, "I'm dying."  We were a bit taken back by that because he did have some signs that his body was weakening, but definitely not what we were expecting to hear from him.  When we asked him how he knew that he said, "God told me."  So I really believe looking back that was the day that daddy came to grips with the reality that his days were numbered and God was beginning to give him (&us) the grace to deal with what the next days were to hold.  Taking care of daddy began to be so much harder in the days before we moved him.  He was to weak to move himself at all which made things hard for mom and her health.  We had a CNA that came in everyday, but we soon realized that wasn't enough help.  It was not an easy decision to make.  I knew in my heart that once daddy left, it meant he wasn't coming back home...ever!  The night before he left he had all of us come in his room.  Wipeout was on TV and the boys often watched this silly show, well really we all did, and laughed together.  By this point daddy was not really able to write very well so communication was going down hill pretty fast but we definitely knew he was asking for everyone to come in the room.  We watched the rest of Wipeout, and then the kids went to bed.  The selfish part of me that night was saying, "God, why did you have to take his voice away."  I really think that was the hardest part for me.  I wanted him to speak as much wisdom to me and the kids as he could, but I had to accept how it was and know what he was thinking in his heart.
Waiting for the inevitable to happen was not easy either...waiting on God's timing to take him home to heaven.  I knew his time was through and I had no things left undone to say to daddy.  I had spent the last three months having some great conversations and times with him that I will never forget.  I know God had a plan in letting us live here for the last 8 months.  I tell my kids everyday to be thankful that they could spent papa's last days right here with him.  They loved going to see Papa at the hospice house, even though daddy got less and less responsive to them.  They have lots of great memories and times spent and shared with Papa that they will never forget (I hope).  I had the privilege of staying the last night with daddy.  Something in my heart told me to stay.  I sent mom across the hall to sleep and I laid there and listened to daddy breathe.  The nurse came in around 5am to take his vitals and his blood pressure was 75/45, she didn't say much and I somehow managed to finally doze off to sleep.  Mom came across the hall around 7am and said, "Erin, I think he's gone."  Sure enough, he wasn't breathing anymore....we called the nurse in and it was confirmed.  It was so peaceful.  Everyone had been there the night before to give their love, our former pastor from TX and dear family friend had even been by and shared some thoughts about daddy and heaven before we went to bed that night.  I can't help but think that was where daddy's mind was.  All I know is that the moment he breathed his last breath we was perfect.  No more cancer, no more coughing, no more pain or suffering!  The selfish part of me doesn't want him so far away...but the loving part of me knows that he is more alive than ever.
So somehow all of this was part of God's big plan that just keeps unfolding to Sam and I.  The weeks and days before daddy's death I kept thinking all these thoughts about being away in Chicago and something happening....and I got to be right there with him in the same room when it all happened.  I have learned so much from watching my mom tirelessly take care of daddy from day one.  No one was ever so dedicated to my daddy.  That will be forever etched in my mind.

Dad's Obituary

I really can't believe I am posting this, but here it is:


Mr. Robert Allen Kelley, 64, husband of Patricia Quinn Kelley, of Greenville, passed away Saturday, July 2, 2011 at McCall Hospice House.
Born in Linwood, CA, a son of Robert Kelley and Marilyn Buchanan Kelley, Mr. Kelley was an Educator in Christian Education for twenty years and a member of Tabernacle Baptist Church.
Surviving in addition to his wife of the home are a daughter and son-in law, Sam & Erin Jones of Greenville; a son and daughter-in- law Adam & LaTosha Kelley of Edinburg, TX; a brother, Glenn Kelley of Pensacola Fl; a sister, Robin Robinson of Santa Barbara, CA; and six grandchildren Bryson, Landon, Ashlyn, Madelyn, Hudson & Mairin.
Funeral services will be 2:00pm Wednesday, July 6th, 2011 in the chapel of Robinson Funeral Home-Powdersville Rd. Burial will follow in Greenville Memorial Gardens.
Visitation will be from 5:00 p.m. until 7:00 p.m Tuesday at the funeral home.
Memorials may be made to the Hollings Cancer Center, 86 Jonathan Lucas Street, P.O. Box 250955, Charleston, SC 29425.
Condolences may be expressed online at www.robinsonfuneralhomes.com or in person at Robinson Funeral Home-Powdersville Road, which is assiting the family.